When I was three, I saw my older brother boldly giving up his dummies and handing them over to my parents. On that same day, I too resigned from further dummying (yup that’s now a word), and I decided if my big brother didn’t need dummies, nor did I. They were for babies and I absolutely was not a baby.
So, I set about searching for my dummies – under the sofa, behind the bed, I extracted them from pillowcases and pockets of teddy’s – all the usual safe hiding spots. My parents tried to convince me otherwise, but I was as stubborn and defiant then as I am now.
Of course my parents were right, it was too soon. No sooner had I handed over the goods, I quickly replaced them with my nails, my fingers and the skin on my fingers for the next 22 years.
To say I am an avid nail biter would be an understatement. (I’m the girl that bit them til they bled, that wore the stinky see-through gloss on her nails and could scrape it off with her teeth, spit it in a bin, and continue biting). Totally gross. But that was me.
Today, after many many months of um-ing and ah-ing and failed self-help pep talks, I finally found the confidence to walk into a nail salon and get my first manicure. I was bricking it. I can’t tell you exactly what are on my fingernails. All I do know, is despite my continued stream of mumbled apologies under my breath, they are now extended and the word gel was thrown about.
It’s been 12 hours and I am struggling.
I have regressed to nothing short of a small child. I have a whole new appreciation for women that mindlessly, professionally go about their lives skilfully fulfilling basic tasks with (what to me feel like) claws attached to the ends of each finger.
From one lady to another… help!
1. Holding a knife and fork. How? Someone teach me.
2. Stirring anything – does it get easier? I’ve so far realised you have to half grip with the lower part of your fingers and over exaggerate your elbow/arm movement in order to effectively build a momentum your hand can follow.
3. I have peanut butter up my nails, how did that get there, how do I stop that happening again?
4. I can barely brush my teeth, how do you hold/grip a tooth brush with nails?!
5. How do you choose the colour? The woman working on my nails was exasperated with how long I took to choose mine. Sorry but 6 weeks of one colour is a huge commitment and I don’t think that should be underestimated. Or rushed.
6. How do you text accurately? It’s a whole different part of the thumb engaging now. I don’t know what key I’m going to hit next. I sound permanently drunk (thank god for autocorrect, is that the secret?)
7. I mean it goes without saying that violin and piano playing are both completely out of the question. The classical and nail beauty worlds are just not supposed to engage.
8. How do you unclip bras and necklaces? Oh and undo buttons? Genuinely, I went to bed more-a-less fully clothed last night.
9. I no longer need scissors! I can finally do the trick my mum did when I was small and slice packaging open. Soooo useful!
10. How do you turn the page of a book with your finger!? Currently, I’ve taken to the bend-the-book-and-flick-the-page-open method.
11. I keep getting the urge to drum my nails on every single surface before me. When does that urge fade?
12. I’m dreading the moment I have to open a jar.
Despite all these hurdles, I feel sassy. as. hell. Hats off to you ladies. You are silently rocking it in a way I didn’t even know were possible (well, it’s seemingly impossible for me).
ps. no doubt this list is only going to grow longer… until then!